Thursday, August 2, 2012

Slave to Silence

I'm not sure if I'm driving myself crazy, or if my craziness is justified. I freak out every time there is a sudden noise at night after my daughter has gone to bed, in fear that the noise will wake her up. What's the big deal, my husband always asks me. Well, for starters, she may not go back to sleep. Like for hours. This has happened almost never, but it IS possible. And guess who has to take care of her the next day on no sleep? That would be me.

It's one thing to take care of Bugga when she's tired and cranky and generally not happy with life. It's a whole different issue if I am feeling the same way. These are NOT good days. And because I know these kinds of days are horrendous, when I feel one of those days coming on, I about lose it.

My anxiety levels sharply escalate at every bark of the neighborhood dog, every creak of a floorboard, every release of the ice machine. My eyes dart to the video monitor to see what damage has been done, and should she not yet have stirred, I watch it carefully with a feeling of doom and confidence that she is SURE to wake at any moment.

And this makes me even more tired than I probably should be. I am probably a lighter sleeper than I have ever been, because I am listening for all those random noises that might disturb her. Why? I can't figure that out. Perhaps because there might be something I can prevent the next time, I don't know.

My poor husband. I snap at him now that we are parents, and most of it happens in these dark hours of the evening when I just want to have some responsibility-free time, but fear waking the baby. Why are guys SO LOUD? How does he not know how crazy I get when I ask him to stop making so much noise, and he just doesn't understand? I don't mean to be so controlling. But lack of sleep seems to make me that way. I'm not proud of it but I need to know how I'm going to get through each day and our household sleep is the primary detail.

But what I can tell you is that I know where every creaking floorboard is in my house. And I am going to lose my mind, I swear it.

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