Listmania: How to Survive Two Kids - Life with a Newborn and a Toddler

When I was pregnant with my second child, I spent a lot of time trying to wrap my head around the logistics of parenting two children at two very different stages of life. It's amazing how much a couple years between kids can mean a world of variation in needs, schedules, meals, preferences, abilities...the list goes on and on. I searched the internet trying to find advice from moms who had been there, but found there really was a shortage of practical information that I could put to use. I am starting this post 7 months into my life with two kids, and though I'm sure it is different for everyone, I think I have a perspective that can hopefully help others out there who are wondering how the heck they will get through this part of parenting. Maybe this will help...

Surviving Two Kids - Life with a Newborn and a Toddler

1. If you still have time before your second child arrives, do some preparation. I'm not talking about setting up the crib - I'm talking about sanity preparation. Start talking to your toddler about the new baby, and include terms like, "patience" and "fragile". 
2. Get your hands on as many big sibling books that you can find - we found "I'm a Big Sister" (brother version also available), as well as "Waiting For Baby" and "You and Me". These all show what life with a new baby will be like and should help immensely once the baby comes home.
3. Start stockpiling quiet toys that can be kept in special bins throughout your house. These can be used by your toddler during baby naptimes, nursing sessions, or when Mom just needs 15 minutes of silence (or almost silence anyway). Include items like books to read, crayons and coloring books, or quiet books (here's my version). To make the boxes even more exciting, only let your toddler use them when you need the quiet time.
4. Keep emergency items all over the place. I have a gallon-size ziploc in my car, my husband's car, and in my way-too-big-to-be-trendy purse. In these bags I have a will-not-be-missed change of clothes for each kid, a diaper for each kid, wipes, a disposable changing pad and a disposable diaper trash bag. At this point I do still use a diaper bag, but it stays in the car and I just pull things from it when I need too.
5. I always keep the following in my purse: A toddler-applicable snack. Stickers and crayons. An old (hopefully charged) smartphone loaded with whatever is the latest and greatest area of interest. I promise you will get caught somewhere, or need to buy some extra toddler happiness when the baby needs attention while you are running errands. A box of raisins always makes my older daughter happy when I need an extra 20 minutes to get everyone through a doctor appointment.
6. Solicit your toddler for help with the baby. This has been huge for us, and Bugga loves to feel important. Even at 2.5 she is able to bring me things like a baby blanket, a clean outfit for the baby, etc. if I just ask her. 
7. Grocery shopping with one kid was a breeze compared to two. In case you didn't learn this the first time around, your baby's car seat DOES NOT go on top of the shopping cart. Ever. And unless you are at Costco, the car seat will likely not fit inside the cart either, especially if you plan on actually shopping for anything, and definitely if your toddler is sitting in the kid seat. This is where the sling/baby carrier serves its purpose. Oh, and don't forget to park right next to the cart return.
8. Speaking of the baby carrier...that thing will come in handy a lot. I wore it all over the house. So did my husband, as for awhile that was the only place Bella would nap. (We do not miss those days AT. ALL.) I also wore it a lot outside of the house - besides shopping, it allowed me to still keep Bugga enrolled in her gymnastics class. She isn't quite old enough for a non-parented class, but I can't have the baby in the infant seat while Bugga is in class. But the sling was no big deal. And Bugga really needs that gymnastics class for a myriad of reasons, so I am so glad I did not have to suspend that from our schedule.
9. If your toddler doesn't use a sound machine, I would consider it at this point. My kids both have sound machines which are priceless tools when both at home and traveling. And now that you will have a new baby potentially screaming at all hours, a sound machine can muffle that sound so at least SOMEONE in your house can get some sleep.
10. Know that this chaotic mess of a life will not last forever. There will be tears of happiness and frustration several times over as you learn to adjust to everything. That first year of your child's life is HARD on a mom. And add a second (or third, or fourth) kid to it, and everything escalates. But your family will evolve into something that works for everyone.

*Note: For some reason I wrote this post and never published it, and I just found it now that my second child is 14 months old. I am happy to say we survived the first year (as you will) and things are definitely easier nowadays that we all know each other much better and have adjusted to life outside the womb. Hang in there!

Sometimes We Don't Relate I Guess

I remember when Bugga was about 7 months old and I was struggling with her sleep regression, waking up with her every night at random times, for 100 different reasons - she was practicing standing, her pacifier fell out of the crib, she had a stuffed up nose...anything. It always seemed to be something. I remember sharing my woes with a friend of mine whose son is about a year older. Her response, "Hmmm, oh well we never had that problem so I can't help. Sorry!" said with an inappropriately cavalier attitude. Guess how much I see this friend since this stellar understanding moment? Yeah, not much.

Was her son always an awesome sleeper? The odds are against it, but sure it's possible. Is that really the point though? The point, at least from my perspective, was to be just the teensiest bit understanding about my situation. I mean, we're both moms right? We've likely read a lot of the same books about parenting and know relatively the same general information about all there is to know about the possibility that our children might have some trouble sleeping at some point. And I was likely mentioning my strife for 30 lousy seconds of commiseration. Commiseration I didn't get.

We just finished a weekend of the initial move to potty train my 2.5 year old daughter. It was a long weekend of never leaving the house, with highs and (really gross) lows but we did make it out the other side. I am happy to say she spent the entire day at preschool today with ZERO accidents - and this is just Day 4.

Anyway, I was reminded of the situation above when I left the house for a lousy hour this past weekend to run some quick errands that included picking up more Frozen and Minnie Mouse underwear that have been helping to motivate my daughter, as well as restocking our supply of several small prizes for her successes. While at the checkout of one of the stores, I get into a conversation with the cashier regarding what I was in the midst of at home (nope, that stash of sequined $1 princess crowns are not for a party actually, but instead are poop rewards - hey you asked), making it pretty obvious that it's been exhausting. No joke, she says, "Ah yes...with my daughter she just put on her underwear one day and that was it. It was great!" Ughhhhhh, seriously?

So what is with the knee-jerk lack of empathy between moms? Is this normal? Has it happened to anyone else?

Second Kid Stress

So here I am, trucking along into my 25th week of pregnancy with Baby #2. That puts us into viability range, which of course, is a nice relief of a milestone. In only a few short weeks I will be pushed over into the Third Trimester. I am starting to feel the stress of having two children creeping up on me.

I'm sure all toddler and newborn moments
 look like this, right? RIGHT?!?!

I know very well I won't be the first to do it, but I am spending more and more time lately trying to wrap my preggo-brain around the logistics of the first few days/weeks/months of my newborn's life while intermingled with my toddler's day-to-day needs. Looking back on my experiences with my first born, I think about how easy it was from my perspective now (go back and read some old posts and see how much I am rewriting history here) and if I was going to be a first-time mom again (which is impossible), I'd be SO. READY.

But that's not really the case here. As much as I know all to well how it works to have a baby, I know NOTHING about what it is like to have a baby AND A TODDLER. And my freakouts are getting a little bigger by the day.

Of course, we must plan for the hospital stay, and my toddler will not likely enjoy or understand that experience and is best left at home until the baby has arrived. This requires planning, especially since we have no family nearby, are new to our new country and therefore have a limited social network, and well, Bugga has never been away from both her parents at once for longer than an hour in her life. And though I "lucked out" last time by only being in labor during daylight hours, there's always that chance that I will need to call SOMEONE to high tail it over to the house at 2AM to watch my daughter as we go speeding off to Labor & Delivery.

Once we get home, then at least we will have a couple weeks of man-on-man coverage with both kids since my husband will be home (thanking my uterus for birthing babies during end-of-the-year holidays once again). But once I am left to my own parenting when he goes back to the office, I am trying to wrap my brain around how I will juggle two severely different nap schedules, nursing, and toddler entertainment and activities that will likely require getting out of the house. Did I mention I'll be doing this in the wintertime? In Canada? Yeah, think snow - lots and lots of snow. I'm not even going to entertain my husband's jokes about nursing outside.

What tiny advice I have obtained here and there is that baby #2 (and any baby after that, should we be crazy enough to go for more...uh....forget I typed that) will be required to be much more flexible then we ever gave baby #1 credit for. Gone will be the eerily quiet household when the baby is sleeping. Gone will be the peaceful nursing sessions in the dark in the glider. And a myriad of other things too, I'm sure.

I'm trying to collect more information on how to plan for the changes, but I'm still coming up short for my own comfort. I found an e-book (The ABC's of Baby #2) last night and devoured it at the gym today - helpful but brief. If anyone out there in internet land has any tips, or resources, I am ready!!!

Parenting Support #22

Could no one have been straight with me about how hard parenting is?

No one told you because they were all too tired to remember. Just remember, insane urges are totally normal, as long as you don't act on them! (I have wanted to bodily throw the cats down the stairs when they start crying JUST when I've got the baby down to sleep. But I don't. But it's a nice visual that calms me down...) Call me whenever you need a break! I'm happy to babysit for a few hours, or c'mon over for a drink.

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Parenting Support #23

Could no one have been straight with me about how hard parenting is?

I'm right there with you, and I know from experience it gets easier. Just not for another 2.5 yrs or so... ;) Joining a mom's group or playgroup was helpful for me just to talk to other moms with same aged kids. And don't feel bad, you are doing a great job I am sure! I am planning on working out at home this summer so I can use my daily 2 hrs of Y daycare to have fun at the pool with my older son, relax, and read. Yes I feel guilty about that, but not too much!

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Parenting Support #21

Could no one have been straight with me about how hard parenting is?

Just wait until potty training!! Worst part of parenting to date...I could write a book on what NOT to do! ;) Hang in there!! We ALL have days and moments of utter frustration, but even if we told you, you wouldn't believe it until you live it. Part of being a mom and you are doing great! I would worry more if you didn't feel that way!

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Parenting Support #20

Could no one have been straight with me about how hard parenting is?

Just try to remember what her smile looks like, because I'm sure she lights up when you walk into a room, and what it feels like when she grabs ahold of your finger. It helps make the bad days not so bad. 

You are a great mom, otherwise you wouldn't be stressing out about how you feel...a bad mom wouldn't care and definitely wouldn't feel guilty about it. It's ok to take a break if you need it - you definitely deserve it and she may need a little break too (and don't feel guilty about it - it will make you a better mom, which is what you are trying to do). 

Kids are tough - especially at that age where they can't tell you what's wrong or why they are acting a certain way. But I bet her smile lights up your day too, and at the end of the day, she's going to come to you and you can take comfort in that. In the meantime, have a glass of wine after she goes to sleep, read a good magazine, and recharge. Yomorrow will be better...I promise!

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How We Can Help

I recently posted about my friend Brian, who lost his daughter, Olivia Engel, last week in the Sandy Hook Elementary shooting. So many people have been touched by this event, because we all know that this very easily could have been anyone's child. We all hurt because of this reality.

But as much as it could have been anyone's child, it wasn't. 

If anyone reading this has been personally touched by Olivia's story and would like to help in some way, here are some ideas:

1. Send your thoughts and prayers to Olivia's family by posting words of support on a Facebook page that some of my friends set up for this purpose. It can be found by clicking here. 

2. Make a Paypal donation that will go directly to Shannon & Brian Engel, Olivia's parents, to help with the burden of funeral costs, as well as a potential memorial for Olivia and all the victims. I can personally vouch for this PayPal account (if that helps at all??) because I know the people who set this account up for the Engels. You can make a donation here.

3. Mail a card, a letter, a prayer, a care package, Christmas presents for Olivia's 3-year-old brother or anything else heartfelt to the Engel family at the following address:

P.O. Box 697
Botsford, CT 06404

If you would like to send a donation this way, please make your check out to The Engel Family.

4. As you may have heard, the children who attend Sandy Hook Elementary will not be returning to that location for quite awhile, if ever. An available elementary school one town over in Monroe, Connecticut is being prepared for these students to return to their classes in January. 

To welcome the students back to school, and to help them know they are in a safe, loving and happy environment, there is a campaign to create a Winter Wonderland with thousands of paper snowflakes. This Snowflake Drive is being coordinated by the PTAs for the Newtown Schools. If you would like to contribute your snowflakes, please mail them to the following address by January 12th, 2013 to:

Connecticut PTSA
60 Connolly Parkway
Building 12, Suite 103
Hamden, CT 06514

5. An independent family photographer who does not know the victims personally but has been touched very deeply by Olivia's passing has created in her memory The Olivia Act to be passed among other photographers. 

Because our memories of our children should be documented through beautiful photographs, this photographer (who wants their name left out of this) will be donating a family photo package to a family who might otherwise not be able to afford such an opportunity. This person is encouraging other photographers to do the same and help Olivia's memory live on!

Please let me know if there are other ways to help that I can add to the list above. Please help these childrens' memories live on.

Parenting Support #19

Could no one have been straight with me about how hard parenting is?

You should have asked me. Notice I have ONE child.

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Parenting Support #18

Could no one have been straight with me about how hard parenting is?

This helps me on tough days.

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Parenting Support #17

Could no one have been straight with me about how hard parenting is?

It seems to me like all the parents that are doing a fabulous job are the ones who feel the worst about how things are going. Cut yourself some slack, your little girl is getting everything she needs. Just make sure mom is getting what she needs as well... and don't feel guilty about making time for yourself. I found the first 18 months to be the most difficult. Hang in there, and seek out your friends!

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Parenting Support #16

Could no one have been straight with me about how hard parenting is?

People look at you horridly when you express your frustration... I emailed some of my friends with kids when my daughter was one month and called her the spawn of Satan - anyone who knows my husband realizes it's true. :) The beginning is awful - my biggest problem was just the lack of predictability. Things settle in, and then all other problems crop up - illnesses, temper tantrums, etc. sometimes makes you wonder why we do this! But, once you get to see the world through their eyes, experience the laughs and good times, it makes sense...

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Parenting Support #15

Could no one have been straight with me about how hard parenting is?

You wouldn't have listened. :)

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Parenting Support #14

Could no one have been straight with me about how hard parenting is?

No matter how hard it gets, stick to your guns. You will be thankful you did when she gets older. The reason people didn't tell you, is that most people think it is a direct reflection on them if they admit it is not all happiness and sunshine. In truth, we all come unglued. You just need to find the "real" people close to you that can admit that too. Then you will truly have the support you need! No doubt you are doing an excellent job despite the adversity!!

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Parenting Support #13

Could no one have been straight with me about how hard parenting is?

Wow, this is hilarious. Do you know I once said the EXACT same thing to a mutual friend of ours since she was the 1st to have a baby. Her words, which I have never forgotten, were, "If I told you how hard it was, you would never have done it." Love you both!

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Parenting Support #12

Could no one have been straight with me about how hard parenting is?

Hang in there sistah! Everything is a phase! Once you nail this challenge the next will show itself so just take one day at a time and don't forget to call your mom and say thanks cause remember she did it too!

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Parenting Support #11

Could no one have been straight with me about how hard parenting is?

Yep, there are good days and bad days. It's tough, i won't lie but things will get better!! Whatever is going on will pass and on to the next thing. I am finally starting to feel back to normal again. My kiddies are 7,5 and 3. I stopped worrying about if the house was clean and whatever chores had to get done. Spend as much quality time with them as you can and enjoy those moments - they certainly out weigh the not so great ones!!

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Parenting Support #10

Could no one have been straight with me about how hard parenting is?

It is completely normal and don't feel guilty!! I agree with a previous comment though....having two is a handful and a half to say the least. Just know you are doing your best and the good times in the end will out rank the hard ones. That is why people decide to have another one!! You forget the hard stuff :-) You are a GREAT mom - I just know it.

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Parenting Support #9

Could no one have been straight with me about how hard parenting is?

Nope...no one told me either! Yes, the rewards are so worth the bad times in between...but those bad times...ugh!!! My daughter and I have been having them more and more, especially now that she's 3. I frequently feel the same way you do, and the guilt associated with it. But trust me and everyone else above who has said it...it's completely normal. And as they get older and more difficult and mouthier...oy!! You will never, ever hate your child, but there WILL be times that you don't like them very much. And vice versa. It's all normal. Just remember it is a phase, it does come and goes, and just when it ends...our daughters turn into teenagers...THEN let the tough times begin...

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Parenting Support #8

Could no one have been straight with me about how hard parenting is?

Rely on the crib and some wine.

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