Listmania: How to Survive Two Kids - Life with a Newborn and a Toddler

When I was pregnant with my second child, I spent a lot of time trying to wrap my head around the logistics of parenting two children at two very different stages of life. It's amazing how much a couple years between kids can mean a world of variation in needs, schedules, meals, preferences, abilities...the list goes on and on. I searched the internet trying to find advice from moms who had been there, but found there really was a shortage of practical information that I could put to use. I am starting this post 7 months into my life with two kids, and though I'm sure it is different for everyone, I think I have a perspective that can hopefully help others out there who are wondering how the heck they will get through this part of parenting. Maybe this will help...

Surviving Two Kids - Life with a Newborn and a Toddler

1. If you still have time before your second child arrives, do some preparation. I'm not talking about setting up the crib - I'm talking about sanity preparation. Start talking to your toddler about the new baby, and include terms like, "patience" and "fragile". 
2. Get your hands on as many big sibling books that you can find - we found "I'm a Big Sister" (brother version also available), as well as "Waiting For Baby" and "You and Me". These all show what life with a new baby will be like and should help immensely once the baby comes home.
3. Start stockpiling quiet toys that can be kept in special bins throughout your house. These can be used by your toddler during baby naptimes, nursing sessions, or when Mom just needs 15 minutes of silence (or almost silence anyway). Include items like books to read, crayons and coloring books, or quiet books (here's my version). To make the boxes even more exciting, only let your toddler use them when you need the quiet time.
4. Keep emergency items all over the place. I have a gallon-size ziploc in my car, my husband's car, and in my way-too-big-to-be-trendy purse. In these bags I have a will-not-be-missed change of clothes for each kid, a diaper for each kid, wipes, a disposable changing pad and a disposable diaper trash bag. At this point I do still use a diaper bag, but it stays in the car and I just pull things from it when I need too.
5. I always keep the following in my purse: A toddler-applicable snack. Stickers and crayons. An old (hopefully charged) smartphone loaded with whatever is the latest and greatest area of interest. I promise you will get caught somewhere, or need to buy some extra toddler happiness when the baby needs attention while you are running errands. A box of raisins always makes my older daughter happy when I need an extra 20 minutes to get everyone through a doctor appointment.
6. Solicit your toddler for help with the baby. This has been huge for us, and Bugga loves to feel important. Even at 2.5 she is able to bring me things like a baby blanket, a clean outfit for the baby, etc. if I just ask her. 
7. Grocery shopping with one kid was a breeze compared to two. In case you didn't learn this the first time around, your baby's car seat DOES NOT go on top of the shopping cart. Ever. And unless you are at Costco, the car seat will likely not fit inside the cart either, especially if you plan on actually shopping for anything, and definitely if your toddler is sitting in the kid seat. This is where the sling/baby carrier serves its purpose. Oh, and don't forget to park right next to the cart return.
8. Speaking of the baby carrier...that thing will come in handy a lot. I wore it all over the house. So did my husband, as for awhile that was the only place Bella would nap. (We do not miss those days AT. ALL.) I also wore it a lot outside of the house - besides shopping, it allowed me to still keep Bugga enrolled in her gymnastics class. She isn't quite old enough for a non-parented class, but I can't have the baby in the infant seat while Bugga is in class. But the sling was no big deal. And Bugga really needs that gymnastics class for a myriad of reasons, so I am so glad I did not have to suspend that from our schedule.
9. If your toddler doesn't use a sound machine, I would consider it at this point. My kids both have sound machines which are priceless tools when both at home and traveling. And now that you will have a new baby potentially screaming at all hours, a sound machine can muffle that sound so at least SOMEONE in your house can get some sleep.
10. Know that this chaotic mess of a life will not last forever. There will be tears of happiness and frustration several times over as you learn to adjust to everything. That first year of your child's life is HARD on a mom. And add a second (or third, or fourth) kid to it, and everything escalates. But your family will evolve into something that works for everyone.

*Note: For some reason I wrote this post and never published it, and I just found it now that my second child is 14 months old. I am happy to say we survived the first year (as you will) and things are definitely easier nowadays that we all know each other much better and have adjusted to life outside the womb. Hang in there!

Sometimes We Don't Relate I Guess

I remember when Bugga was about 7 months old and I was struggling with her sleep regression, waking up with her every night at random times, for 100 different reasons - she was practicing standing, her pacifier fell out of the crib, she had a stuffed up nose...anything. It always seemed to be something. I remember sharing my woes with a friend of mine whose son is about a year older. Her response, "Hmmm, oh well we never had that problem so I can't help. Sorry!" said with an inappropriately cavalier attitude. Guess how much I see this friend since this stellar understanding moment? Yeah, not much.

Was her son always an awesome sleeper? The odds are against it, but sure it's possible. Is that really the point though? The point, at least from my perspective, was to be just the teensiest bit understanding about my situation. I mean, we're both moms right? We've likely read a lot of the same books about parenting and know relatively the same general information about all there is to know about the possibility that our children might have some trouble sleeping at some point. And I was likely mentioning my strife for 30 lousy seconds of commiseration. Commiseration I didn't get.

We just finished a weekend of the initial move to potty train my 2.5 year old daughter. It was a long weekend of never leaving the house, with highs and (really gross) lows but we did make it out the other side. I am happy to say she spent the entire day at preschool today with ZERO accidents - and this is just Day 4.

Anyway, I was reminded of the situation above when I left the house for a lousy hour this past weekend to run some quick errands that included picking up more Frozen and Minnie Mouse underwear that have been helping to motivate my daughter, as well as restocking our supply of several small prizes for her successes. While at the checkout of one of the stores, I get into a conversation with the cashier regarding what I was in the midst of at home (nope, that stash of sequined $1 princess crowns are not for a party actually, but instead are poop rewards - hey you asked), making it pretty obvious that it's been exhausting. No joke, she says, "Ah yes...with my daughter she just put on her underwear one day and that was it. It was great!" Ughhhhhh, seriously?

So what is with the knee-jerk lack of empathy between moms? Is this normal? Has it happened to anyone else?

It's Not About Gwyneth

This is a repost from something I shared with my friends on Facebook. Hopefully my blog readers also know what I'm trying to say.

So this Gwyneth Paltrow working mom thing is all over Facebook. Yes, she said her job is harder than other working moms. And then a gajillion people responded that, no, their jobs are harder than that of a celebrity. 

On other days I see people post links to blogs about someone trying to attempt to equalize the struggles of working moms versus stay-at-home moms, and it just results in a Battle of the Miserable (seriously, read the comments on any of these posts). 

Am I the only person who is tired of hearing everyone try to tear each other down by one-upping others about how hard their life is? 

Of course the grass is often much greener on the other side, but everyone has their struggles, whether it be 9 months on a movie set away from your family, or working 2 daily jobs away from your kids to make ends meet, or struggling to find professional success. 

Yes, celebrities have a lot of money and freedoms that regular people might not have, but they are also people too, with families they can't be with all the time and marriages that fail no matter how many nannies they hire. Stay at home moms and working moms all have their own reasons to be jealous of each other's lives. 

I guess the bottom line I get from all this is stop spending so much time tearing down the Joneses and find your own happiness.

Don't Bet On It

The first time Bugga met her little sister Bella

Back in December when I was nearing my due date for baby #2, I had tons of questions about the upcoming childbirth experience. I knew that if things went exactly as they had for baby #1, then I'd be thrilled (and relaxed, since I'd know what was coming). Unfortunately, outside of a scheduled c-section (and even still) childbirth is ALL about the unknown. Below are some questions I had while I waited to feel the build-up of the first contraction, and how things worked out in my case.

1. Will the baby come early/on time/late?

My first was 4 days late. They say on average that babies come earlier and earlier with each labor. However talk to ANYone who has had a baby and it seems to me the verdict is split. This baby came 6 days late. So there ya go.

2. Will I go into labor on my own?

I went into labor naturally with my first. As I was sitting around on Friday night, 5 days late, I feared I would have to be induced. Even worse, it would be scheduled for Christmas Day. I dreaded the thought of a) my toddler missing out on Christmas morning traditions the year she is finally starting to understand, and b) my poor second born would have a holiday birthday and forever hate the fact that people would always be giving her combo presents. I went into labor naturally that night, and Bella was born 6 days late, with no induction.

3. Will my labor start the same way as it did the first time?

The first time around, my contractions started as a dull pulsing at 9 AM already coming every 3 minutes, and lasting about a minute for the first hour. Then things intensified and I had the baby later that day. This time around, my contractions started around 10 PM, lasting anywhere from 30 seconds to a minute, and coming anywhere from every 5 minutes to every 30 minutes. They were all over the place. This was a bit stressful since second babies can come a lot faster than the first. So of course during these hours of initial labor I had inspriring visions of birthing this baby in our car on the way to the hospital. Totally not a cause for concern at all. Right. Anyway, these random contractions went on through the night, never building enough in intensity or frequency enough for us to feel like we needed to head to the garage until about 6 AM. And then things started to move very quickly...

4. Will it hurt more/less the second time?

So it definitely hurt the first time. I labored at home as long as I could (5 hours) and then once we made it to the hospital I was ready for my epidural. I dilated pretty fast so that was the best decision I made all day, and the baby was born 3 hours after I received the epi. This time I thought I'd entertain the thought (ha) of doing this unmedicated, figuring it might hurt less since my first baby had already blazed the path down the birth canal. Yeah, right. When I got to the hospital at 8 AM I was a whole 2 cm dilated. The nurse in triage told me to go walk around for two hours. I was disappointed, but the second my feet hit the ground from her examination, my body had other plans and I dilated three more centimeters almost instantly. And WHOA BOY did that hurt. Yep, I was the screamer in Triage. Sorry, other pregnant people in the room. This time around, however, though I asked for the epidural around the same time in my dilation progression as I did with the first baby, the nurse had a painfully hard time getting my IV in, which has to be done first. Painfully is what I mean literally, as she stuck needles up and down my hands and arms, jabbing me until she finally found one that worked. And at that point I was fully dilated. She asked if I was sure I still wanted the epidural. Oh yes, I had earned it from the IV disaster. 

5. Will it again take forever for my milk to come in, resulting in my baby having jaundice?

With Bugga, it took 4 very long days for my milk to come in. Babies are built with fat storage to cover this amount of time (along with the colostrum), but after four days the billirubin had still yet to be flushed from her system and she became jaundiced. For first-time parents, this was somewhat terrifying. We were lucky enough that Bugga did not have to spend any time in the hospital under the lights, but she did have a bilirubin blanket delivered to our home that she spent 48 hours straight wearing. She looked like a little baby glow-worm. The second time around my milk came in after two days, so though Bella's jaundice numbers climbed for a couple days, the availability of milk to help flush her system seemed to have helped her ward off the jaundice successfully.

6. How fast will I deliver my second baby?

I heard from many (many) people that their second baby came so fast that they delivered in the hallway, had no time for an epidural, and/or their spouse had to play the role of the obstetrician because they were nowhere near a hospital. So of course I entertained the thought that we'd need towels and such for the car ride just in case. I was in labor with Bugga for 11 hours, from the first contraction to seeing her little pink face. With Bella, using the same milestones, it was around 16 hours. From point of arrival to the hospital, it was about 6 hours for both.

So this is how it worked for me, and not many of my questions could have been answered with "just like the first time". It seems that each of my children are completely unique and different, and these differences start from the date of conception!

Second Kid Stress

So here I am, trucking along into my 25th week of pregnancy with Baby #2. That puts us into viability range, which of course, is a nice relief of a milestone. In only a few short weeks I will be pushed over into the Third Trimester. I am starting to feel the stress of having two children creeping up on me.

I'm sure all toddler and newborn moments
 look like this, right? RIGHT?!?!

I know very well I won't be the first to do it, but I am spending more and more time lately trying to wrap my preggo-brain around the logistics of the first few days/weeks/months of my newborn's life while intermingled with my toddler's day-to-day needs. Looking back on my experiences with my first born, I think about how easy it was from my perspective now (go back and read some old posts and see how much I am rewriting history here) and if I was going to be a first-time mom again (which is impossible), I'd be SO. READY.

But that's not really the case here. As much as I know all to well how it works to have a baby, I know NOTHING about what it is like to have a baby AND A TODDLER. And my freakouts are getting a little bigger by the day.

Of course, we must plan for the hospital stay, and my toddler will not likely enjoy or understand that experience and is best left at home until the baby has arrived. This requires planning, especially since we have no family nearby, are new to our new country and therefore have a limited social network, and well, Bugga has never been away from both her parents at once for longer than an hour in her life. And though I "lucked out" last time by only being in labor during daylight hours, there's always that chance that I will need to call SOMEONE to high tail it over to the house at 2AM to watch my daughter as we go speeding off to Labor & Delivery.

Once we get home, then at least we will have a couple weeks of man-on-man coverage with both kids since my husband will be home (thanking my uterus for birthing babies during end-of-the-year holidays once again). But once I am left to my own parenting when he goes back to the office, I am trying to wrap my brain around how I will juggle two severely different nap schedules, nursing, and toddler entertainment and activities that will likely require getting out of the house. Did I mention I'll be doing this in the wintertime? In Canada? Yeah, think snow - lots and lots of snow. I'm not even going to entertain my husband's jokes about nursing outside.

What tiny advice I have obtained here and there is that baby #2 (and any baby after that, should we be crazy enough to go for more...uh....forget I typed that) will be required to be much more flexible then we ever gave baby #1 credit for. Gone will be the eerily quiet household when the baby is sleeping. Gone will be the peaceful nursing sessions in the dark in the glider. And a myriad of other things too, I'm sure.

I'm trying to collect more information on how to plan for the changes, but I'm still coming up short for my own comfort. I found an e-book (The ABC's of Baby #2) last night and devoured it at the gym today - helpful but brief. If anyone out there in internet land has any tips, or resources, I am ready!!!

Things People Say

When you are pregnant, you get the full gamut of surprisingly inappropriate comments from strangers, let alone people you work with, are friends with, and are even related to. Especially when you TELL them you are pregnant. I have heard the most infamous from other people, the ever-cringe-worthy "Was this planned?"...I mean really! My response to that would be, "Nope, can I borrow some money for diapers?" or something along those lines. I'll let you know if I hear that one.

My personal winner for what I hate to hear once I announce my pregnancy at the 3 month mark? "Oh, I KNEW IT!" You did? Really? Then I'm so glad I was stressing out for the past few months trying to keep this on the D.L. just in case we had a miscarriage and wouldn't have to tell you the bad news. I'm SO GLAD you watch the little details of my life so closely that every little movement I make is potential gossip fodder for you and your manicurist.

Yes, I have someone in my life who did this to me this time around. And it bothered me to no end because I knew this was going to be the first thing they said way before I even announced, primarily because of the gossip going around behind my back with other mutual acquaintances. So now I'm not thrilled about this person being a part of my good news, when they otherwise should have been. Grr. Yes, this deserves a growl.

What annoying things have you heard from others while pregnant?

Big Changes!

Okay, so if you are a reader of my blog, you might have noticed that the last couple posts have been pretty........spaced..........out. Not my finest example of my writing discipline, but I swear I have a good excuse! Well, excuses really.

For starters: We are moving to Canada. From Texas. Which at a glance did not seem like it was going to be a huge deal (other than the violently different weather, but I'm sure I'll have more posts about that later...). It turns out, it is actually QUITE a big deal because, after all, it is an entirely different country. With that comes all sorts of nightmares around customs and importing things like, I don't know, our FURNITURE and our CARS and all sorts of drama. Throw in some loonies and some toonies (yep, that would be the sophisticated name of our new country's currency) and our lives will pretty much be a-changin'. But to be fair to the Calgarians we will soon call our neighbors, everyone up there at first glance appears to be super friendly and at least I can say they have beautiful weather in the summer. I'm going to hold on to that thought as long as I can...

And then there's excuse #2. 

Our Required Facebook Announcement

I'm pregnant. Oh yes. Believe me I have wanted to type many a blog about how miserable I was during my first trimester, but since we didn't tell a SOUL until Father's Day when he hit the safety zone of the second trimester, I couldn't very well publish it all over the internet. Which I think is a total scam. Expectant moms are typically very ill during the first three months, and it just isn't fair that we aren't allowed to publicly whine about it, only because we are trying to do the responsible thing and spare our extended family and friends the grief should there be some complication or what not.

So because I had to suffer in silence (except for my husband, poor guy), you can at least forgive me for being a blog slacker. I swear I'll do better just as soon as the morning sickness cuts me a break - I swear I can see the horizon!

Parenting Support #22

Could no one have been straight with me about how hard parenting is?

No one told you because they were all too tired to remember. Just remember, insane urges are totally normal, as long as you don't act on them! (I have wanted to bodily throw the cats down the stairs when they start crying JUST when I've got the baby down to sleep. But I don't. But it's a nice visual that calms me down...) Call me whenever you need a break! I'm happy to babysit for a few hours, or c'mon over for a drink.

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Parenting Support #23

Could no one have been straight with me about how hard parenting is?

I'm right there with you, and I know from experience it gets easier. Just not for another 2.5 yrs or so... ;) Joining a mom's group or playgroup was helpful for me just to talk to other moms with same aged kids. And don't feel bad, you are doing a great job I am sure! I am planning on working out at home this summer so I can use my daily 2 hrs of Y daycare to have fun at the pool with my older son, relax, and read. Yes I feel guilty about that, but not too much!

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Parenting Support #21

Could no one have been straight with me about how hard parenting is?

Just wait until potty training!! Worst part of parenting to date...I could write a book on what NOT to do! ;) Hang in there!! We ALL have days and moments of utter frustration, but even if we told you, you wouldn't believe it until you live it. Part of being a mom and you are doing great! I would worry more if you didn't feel that way!

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Parenting Support #20

Could no one have been straight with me about how hard parenting is?

Just try to remember what her smile looks like, because I'm sure she lights up when you walk into a room, and what it feels like when she grabs ahold of your finger. It helps make the bad days not so bad. 

You are a great mom, otherwise you wouldn't be stressing out about how you feel...a bad mom wouldn't care and definitely wouldn't feel guilty about it. It's ok to take a break if you need it - you definitely deserve it and she may need a little break too (and don't feel guilty about it - it will make you a better mom, which is what you are trying to do). 

Kids are tough - especially at that age where they can't tell you what's wrong or why they are acting a certain way. But I bet her smile lights up your day too, and at the end of the day, she's going to come to you and you can take comfort in that. In the meantime, have a glass of wine after she goes to sleep, read a good magazine, and recharge. Yomorrow will be better...I promise!

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Parenting Support #19

Could no one have been straight with me about how hard parenting is?

You should have asked me. Notice I have ONE child.

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Parenting Support #18

Could no one have been straight with me about how hard parenting is?

This helps me on tough days.

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Parenting Support #17

Could no one have been straight with me about how hard parenting is?

It seems to me like all the parents that are doing a fabulous job are the ones who feel the worst about how things are going. Cut yourself some slack, your little girl is getting everything she needs. Just make sure mom is getting what she needs as well... and don't feel guilty about making time for yourself. I found the first 18 months to be the most difficult. Hang in there, and seek out your friends!

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Parenting Support #16

Could no one have been straight with me about how hard parenting is?

People look at you horridly when you express your frustration... I emailed some of my friends with kids when my daughter was one month and called her the spawn of Satan - anyone who knows my husband realizes it's true. :) The beginning is awful - my biggest problem was just the lack of predictability. Things settle in, and then all other problems crop up - illnesses, temper tantrums, etc. sometimes makes you wonder why we do this! But, once you get to see the world through their eyes, experience the laughs and good times, it makes sense...

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Parenting Support #15

Could no one have been straight with me about how hard parenting is?

You wouldn't have listened. :)

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Parenting Support #14

Could no one have been straight with me about how hard parenting is?

No matter how hard it gets, stick to your guns. You will be thankful you did when she gets older. The reason people didn't tell you, is that most people think it is a direct reflection on them if they admit it is not all happiness and sunshine. In truth, we all come unglued. You just need to find the "real" people close to you that can admit that too. Then you will truly have the support you need! No doubt you are doing an excellent job despite the adversity!!

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Parenting Support #13

Could no one have been straight with me about how hard parenting is?

Wow, this is hilarious. Do you know I once said the EXACT same thing to a mutual friend of ours since she was the 1st to have a baby. Her words, which I have never forgotten, were, "If I told you how hard it was, you would never have done it." Love you both!

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Parenting Support #12

Could no one have been straight with me about how hard parenting is?

Hang in there sistah! Everything is a phase! Once you nail this challenge the next will show itself so just take one day at a time and don't forget to call your mom and say thanks cause remember she did it too!

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Parenting Support #11

Could no one have been straight with me about how hard parenting is?

Yep, there are good days and bad days. It's tough, i won't lie but things will get better!! Whatever is going on will pass and on to the next thing. I am finally starting to feel back to normal again. My kiddies are 7,5 and 3. I stopped worrying about if the house was clean and whatever chores had to get done. Spend as much quality time with them as you can and enjoy those moments - they certainly out weigh the not so great ones!!

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