Listmania: How to Survive Two Kids - Life with a Newborn and a Toddler

When I was pregnant with my second child, I spent a lot of time trying to wrap my head around the logistics of parenting two children at two very different stages of life. It's amazing how much a couple years between kids can mean a world of variation in needs, schedules, meals, preferences, abilities...the list goes on and on. I searched the internet trying to find advice from moms who had been there, but found there really was a shortage of practical information that I could put to use. I am starting this post 7 months into my life with two kids, and though I'm sure it is different for everyone, I think I have a perspective that can hopefully help others out there who are wondering how the heck they will get through this part of parenting. Maybe this will help...

Surviving Two Kids - Life with a Newborn and a Toddler

1. If you still have time before your second child arrives, do some preparation. I'm not talking about setting up the crib - I'm talking about sanity preparation. Start talking to your toddler about the new baby, and include terms like, "patience" and "fragile". 
2. Get your hands on as many big sibling books that you can find - we found "I'm a Big Sister" (brother version also available), as well as "Waiting For Baby" and "You and Me". These all show what life with a new baby will be like and should help immensely once the baby comes home.
3. Start stockpiling quiet toys that can be kept in special bins throughout your house. These can be used by your toddler during baby naptimes, nursing sessions, or when Mom just needs 15 minutes of silence (or almost silence anyway). Include items like books to read, crayons and coloring books, or quiet books (here's my version). To make the boxes even more exciting, only let your toddler use them when you need the quiet time.
4. Keep emergency items all over the place. I have a gallon-size ziploc in my car, my husband's car, and in my way-too-big-to-be-trendy purse. In these bags I have a will-not-be-missed change of clothes for each kid, a diaper for each kid, wipes, a disposable changing pad and a disposable diaper trash bag. At this point I do still use a diaper bag, but it stays in the car and I just pull things from it when I need too.
5. I always keep the following in my purse: A toddler-applicable snack. Stickers and crayons. An old (hopefully charged) smartphone loaded with whatever is the latest and greatest area of interest. I promise you will get caught somewhere, or need to buy some extra toddler happiness when the baby needs attention while you are running errands. A box of raisins always makes my older daughter happy when I need an extra 20 minutes to get everyone through a doctor appointment.
6. Solicit your toddler for help with the baby. This has been huge for us, and Bugga loves to feel important. Even at 2.5 she is able to bring me things like a baby blanket, a clean outfit for the baby, etc. if I just ask her. 
7. Grocery shopping with one kid was a breeze compared to two. In case you didn't learn this the first time around, your baby's car seat DOES NOT go on top of the shopping cart. Ever. And unless you are at Costco, the car seat will likely not fit inside the cart either, especially if you plan on actually shopping for anything, and definitely if your toddler is sitting in the kid seat. This is where the sling/baby carrier serves its purpose. Oh, and don't forget to park right next to the cart return.
8. Speaking of the baby carrier...that thing will come in handy a lot. I wore it all over the house. So did my husband, as for awhile that was the only place Bella would nap. (We do not miss those days AT. ALL.) I also wore it a lot outside of the house - besides shopping, it allowed me to still keep Bugga enrolled in her gymnastics class. She isn't quite old enough for a non-parented class, but I can't have the baby in the infant seat while Bugga is in class. But the sling was no big deal. And Bugga really needs that gymnastics class for a myriad of reasons, so I am so glad I did not have to suspend that from our schedule.
9. If your toddler doesn't use a sound machine, I would consider it at this point. My kids both have sound machines which are priceless tools when both at home and traveling. And now that you will have a new baby potentially screaming at all hours, a sound machine can muffle that sound so at least SOMEONE in your house can get some sleep.
10. Know that this chaotic mess of a life will not last forever. There will be tears of happiness and frustration several times over as you learn to adjust to everything. That first year of your child's life is HARD on a mom. And add a second (or third, or fourth) kid to it, and everything escalates. But your family will evolve into something that works for everyone.

*Note: For some reason I wrote this post and never published it, and I just found it now that my second child is 14 months old. I am happy to say we survived the first year (as you will) and things are definitely easier nowadays that we all know each other much better and have adjusted to life outside the womb. Hang in there!

And just like that...

We are moving back to Texas! After what has been one of the longest winters on record (at least according to all the Calgarians I keep talking to) we are leaving just as it finally stops snowing...and then just in time for the sticky triple-digits of Houston.

Seriously - I JUST posted my toddler's room reveal and WHAM I have to take it all down. And I haven't even shown you what I did with my newborn's nursery yet! I'm planning to just recreate the same designs in the new house so I will do an update post as well. I will need to reorder a lot of the decals since they weren't reusable (ugh, what a waste!) but they are so much easier than painting. I say they were a waste because I know for a fact there are reusable decals available (I found some for the girls' bathroom) even though they look great, but they are hard to find.

Anyway, so we are currently trying to survive between homes. We had a disastrous week last week in a hotel in Calgary as our house was packed and cleaned, and now we are in corporate housing until our furniture gets to town. I say disastrous because as much as we were SO very fortunate to stay in a two-bedroom suite with a toddler and a baby, NOBODY slept all week, naps, nights, whatever. The baby was up every 2 hours, the toddler decided she couldn't stay in her bed even though we set everything up PERFECTLY...and I was a ZOMBIE!

The crazy thing is I had been dreading our four-hour flight down (Bella's first flight) and made massive preparations as far as entertainment for Bugga, packing perfectly, etc. and it ended up being the easiest flight in the history of parenting. At least for this family.

And things have only improved since we landed. Our corporate housing apartment complex has three bedrooms (win), a playground (win), and a splash pad (super win). And Bella is just coming out of a growth spurt which means she's slept 8 plus hours the past few nights, allowing me to gain a little of my sanity back.

I think the spurt's over though so tonight could be back to 2 feeds a night which isn't awesome but tolerable...and soon we get to start solids so that might improve things as well.

Anyway, time to get back into the swing of things here - YEE-HAW! Yeah.

Ummm

So colic is fun...

Separation Anxiety Hits Our House

We are currently going on Day 5 (including a weekend) of my husband having to go back to Alaska for a work emergency. I suppose the weekend part is irrelevant, but even a stay at home mom looks forward to the weekend when we can finally do things as a family. Oh, and split the kiddo duties.

Things have been going relatively well with the exception of my brilliant plan to get back into the swing of things again with our daily morning visit to the gym. This worked perfect for us October/November after we first got back from Alaska, but we took off several weeks for a family vacation and some holiday travel.

Oh what a mess we have now. Today was the third day I attempted to drop my 13-month-old off at the gym daycare. She was NOT havin' it. Not one bit. The separation anxiety is apparently at the top of her development milestones right now and it is kicking us in the face. I tried everything, distraction, staying for awhile and playing with her, sneaking out, doing the "I'll be back soon!", etc. If I made it out the door somehow, I would lurk nearby where I could still see and hear, but was out of view of my daughter.

This kid would just WAIL. The poor daycare lady would try to distract her with all the new toys that filled the room, and she would take a breath for a second and look, but then start right up again. I hear about these other children that cry only when their parents are around and then they're fine. Not mine, these three days anyway.

So my workout plans for 2013 are still pretty elusive. I ended up working out at home during nap time, which is nice to have that option, but it isn't quite the same.

Anyone go through this? Any advice? My approach is to keep trying and hope she gets used to it. But in the back of my head, I'm worried she's learning that this place makes her cry. Period.

Engineering Parenting

My husband and I are both engineers. Because of this, we approach everything with a heavy dose of logic like the whole world is a math problem. Even parenting apparently.

Bugga's schedule has been pretty steady lately, and she's been nursing and eating solids well, sleeping through the night consistently, and even getting almost 3 hours of naps a day. Then there was last night. We normally nurse her to sleep (I know, I know) around 8:15ish, and she's typically out like a light at 9:05 PM. Not last night.

Last night she was wide awake. Not interested in sleeping whatsoever and just stood up in her crib happy as a clam unless we left the room, and then she cried. This went on for hours. It was awesome. Oh and it was my husband's birthday. So no cake for us.

We spent those three hours in my daughter's room analyzing what had gone wrong that day. Should we have not switched up the pajamas? She didn't need a bath after dinner (for once) that night, did we throw off her bedtime routine? Did she nap enough during the day (yes)? Did I have caffeine? Like a math problem, we figured we had somehow switched up the equation and it resulted in bedtime chaos. Unfortunately in this exercise, anything that DID go wrong (we still don't know what) fell into my lap, as I am the one who spends my days with her. Sigh. No more math tonight please...

Tell Me the Truth Already

I've definitely been hitting some low points lately with the sleeping. I just do not function well with no sleep (as opposed to my daughter, who can go all day without a nap like a champ!). After talking to a couple moms I am socially close to, I started getting a little bit frustrated. Why does every stage of parenting have to be described as sunshine and puppies 24/7/365?? This is NOT what I have been experiencing whatsoever. Yes, I always knew it would be hard, but I did not have a clue HOW. HARD. And I'm pretty irritated that no one bothered to let me in on the truth before I had a baby.

Don't get me wrong - I love Bugga more than life. But seriously. Why is this so hard? And why does no one talk about it? I just wanted to know I wasn't alone feeling this way, but no one seemed to want to cop to it in casual conversation.

Then I posted a question to my friends on Facebook just to see the response.

"Could no one have been straight with me about how hard parenting is?"

What I got in return was 29 posts and several private direct messages within the next couple hours. And what do we have here - EVERYONE had been there. And felt equally duped. And some even went on to have more kids!

The information I was finally receiving was invaluable. I am going to anonymously post my friends' comments on this blog now to share with others that are in this same wobbly boat with me in hopes that the "safety in numbers" theory helps you get through one more night of the crying and the not sleeping. But more importantly, I need a way to easily access these words of experience so I can have them handy every time I need a lift, because I know I will again. And again.

Read the first response here. And start talking about this with your friends who are parents.

Edited on March 6th, 2013:
My daughter is now 15 months old - she was about 7-8 months when I first published these words of support from all my fantastic friends. I was at my breaking point with my daughter's sleep training efforts at that time. And now I am one of those moms who made it through the first year, and I am prepared to give any insight I can.

Here is what I find myself telling friends with newborns: You are not the only one who feels this way. We all went through these emotions, even if some of us aren't brave enough to tell you. Your first year of parenting can be a lonely, isolating time, especially if you quit your job and stay home (oh, and move to a small town in Alaska where we know nobody) like I did. The good news is, you, and your baby will survive these hard times, and they will be almost forgotten once you move past them.

Human beings are ugly creatures when they are lacking sleep. Keep talking to your husband, your friends - anyone (I might recommend avoiding the generation before yours - memories seem to be falsely clouded more often than not of how "easy" it was for them). Get out of the house every day, even if it is just for a stroller walk around the block. If you are concerned about your thoughts, please talk to your doctor. Do it at your 6-week post-labor checkup or your 6-month checkup, but do not be ashamed. If you need medication, know your doctor would not prescribe it to you if he/she did not feel it was warranted to help you through this. And you will not need it forever.

You can do this. No, it is nothing like you expected. But the point of it all is EVERYTHING you expected.

Schedule Challenges Continue

It's been a couple weeks since I've posted...but I have two good reasons, I promise. For one, we have been in the process of moving, so for obvious reasons, I have not spent a lot of time with my laptop. The other reason is that prior to the move, our household had been having some significant challenges with Bugga's sleep schedule and her ability to put herself to sleep.

I've definitely allowed myself to fall victim to the anxiety that comes with the lack of sleep of a new parent. I blame myself for my husband and I essentially sitting in the dark and whispering once the baby has gone to bed in fear of waking her up. Yes, our (old) house had frustratingly creaky floors and air duct issues that required our room to be at 65 in order for hers to approach 74, but I think my personal fear of a crying infant at night has really escalated.

Now that we have been in the new house for a little over a week, we are still hesitant to formally sleep train. The new nursery is carpeted and cozy and a great place for Bugga to play, so the thought of putting her down awake in her crib to sleep makes me worry that she will instantly sprout negative associations with that room entirely. So I am still continuing to cheat by nursing her to sleep at night, and for naps. The pro to this is at least this house is a lot quieter so I have even had a few opportunities since we've moved in to set her down on the boppy pillow on the floor, turn the baby monitor camera on her, and leave the room to actually be...wait for it...PRODUCTIVE. It's a nice feeling. But I still spend half that time watching the monitor. Sigh.

Who Fights a Nap?

My 6 month old, that's who. I am currently listening to her WAIL as I try to get her to sleep for Nap #1 of the day. This is SO hard. But I know she's tired. She was rubbing her eyes like the most obvious cartoon character and it was exactly 2 hours from when she woke up. So into the crib she went...and then proceeded to shriek. 

It's been 45 minutes of this misery.

I've checked on her several times, but that does nothing whatsoever. She continues to shriek. I know I'm supposed to listen to her cries to understand what is going on, but it all seems pretty steady. Horrible gurgling. Wailing. Then gasping for breath. I'm not sure if this is the "up and down" cry I'm supposed to recognize as her frustrated cry trying to figure all this out, but my heart is broken.

I know I could just go sit on the back patio and enjoy this beautiful morning weather and not listen to her cry. But I feel like if she has to go through this, I need to be there with her even if she is currently very mad at me for putting her through this.

But I'm going in to get her in 10 minutes and we'll try again next nap. And the next. And the next...

Sigh. Parenting is hard.